How To Be Attractive Using Psychology & Creating Long-Lasting Desire

How to be attractive:

At a very fundamental level—being attractive involves having what people want and offering it to them.

Your outward appearance, status signals, even your personality is a method of demonstrating qualities that are either attractive or unattractive, and the challenge for most of us lies in balancing what we think will be attractive with what comes naturally to us. Let’s go through some examples.

Sex sells. It’s hard to get around that fact. If you’ve ever seen women in various states of undress across the internet, you’ll have witnessed the marketing that tries to leverage male desire (i.e. providing what men want).

The human brain is easily hijacked in this manner. We can consider ourselves the most rational, level-headed people known to man, and then suddenly have our lizard brain possessed by pretty people. Most men understand that feeling oh-so-well, to the point women are often baffled by how simply we can be distracted by the visual, the distracting and the seductive.

What I want to do in this essay is to dissect this principle and understand how the feminine can captivate and inspire desire—the visual element is by no means the whole picture when it comes to attraction. In doing so, we hope to better understand what levers we can pull to make ourselves more attractive and compelling to others. We’re going to draw from social analysis and some psychology to illustrate our points—hopefully this helps you captivate someone of your own.

Archetypes, what are they, and how they make you more attractive

When it comes to (relatively traditional) spectrums of attraction, we know that there are rough patterns in what works and what doesn’t. A certain person or feature will certainly not be attractive to every person, but we do see as a culture a number of semi-consistent trends that seem to captivate more attention than others.

Some signals are relatively undisputed, like basic hygiene and grooming. But even these traits, as obvious as it may sound, have exceptions. Think of a unwashed lumberjack, a sweaty female volleyball player, or a fireman caked in soot and grime. Human desire does not follow strict rules – we find our feelings inspired by a much wider range of characteristics than we might give ourselves credit for.

You might also think of certain features, like big boobs and BBLs that are all the rage right now. But a simple look at first world Western beauty standards from as little as twenty years ago will show you pencil-thin starlets with as much fat on them as a turkey breast. Culture takes a set of ideals and pushes them to unhealthy extremes, which ripples out across most of the people in the dating market. The point is – we aren’t immutably fixed in our desires. Our preferences get shaped by all manner of things as culture, public perception, your own experiences, and a great many other things. If you’ve ever heard of beauty standards, this is an example of them in action.

So what is ‘attractive’ then? How are we supposed to be attractive when the decision seems to be so far out of our control? There are two factors I firmly believe play a massive part— archetypes and influence. In order, these represent the things out of our control and in our control.

First things first—archetypes. In this context, the term represents the idea of the stereotypes and associations that come along with externally visible features. Put more simply, it’s the idea that someone gets about your personality from simply looking at or taking you at face value.

Why Archetypes Are Attractive

Look at the examples I gave earlier—a lumberjack, an athlete and a fireman. Notice that I did not describe their physical attributes at all. I mentioned a stereotype and let your mind create the image for me. This is how the human brain works—looking through instances of pattern recognition to know how to process the world and make decisions. The archetypal lumberjack is massive, has a beard and a flannel shirt and carries a whopping great axe. The picture in your head is probably similar—an advantage of archetypes as a form of communicating an image.

Whether those archetypes and their associated beauty standards are attractive to you or not depends entirely on your perception, experience with and stereotypes of the concepts I brought up. If all you know are ugly, racist, alcoholic lumberjacks, you may be considerably more turned off than the woman who reads romance novels about virtuous, strong fantasy men living in wooded cabins.

So, with that in mind, it makes sense to align ourselves most with archetypes that accurately represent us, as well as carry positive associations. It’s what can be meant by ‘just be yourself’ and ‘put your best foot forward’. We want to give off attractive associations using the mental shortcuts that activate when we’re looked at or spoken to.

Goths & E-Girls, a Case Study

In the last handful of years, goths and e-girls have transcended any previous reputation as antisocial outsiders. Thanks to the internet and its tendency to pervert almost anything it touches, the female goth archetype has been given a hell of a culture makeover. This trend is now remarkably widespread onto social media. Tattoos and piercings are more common than they’ve ever been. And for good reason—they’re incredibly highly desired.

Other basement-dwelling internet power users likely know exactly what I’m talking about. Goth girls are stereotypically supposed to be impossibly slim but with baffling proportions elsewhere on their figure. They cover themselves in incredibly distinct makeup. They dress with a specific style and presentation that demonstrates a feminine allure yet also distinct personal identity. They are associated with confidence, assertiveness, dominance and a robustly anything-but-shy view on sexuality, with ties to kink and sex-positive communities and labels.

In short—this fantasy image directly signals everything that might be said to captivate male desire. Through careful association and positioning, this archetype engages all of the feelings that a lonely, typically unsatisfied and inexperienced population of men might be craving, consciously or otherwise. The internet generation never stood a chance. It’s an extremified version of a regular group of people, pushed to the maximum because it engages the most attention.

Please note, I’m not suggesting any of the participants in this archetype exhibit these characteristics FOR the gaze of men or anyone else. Their rationale actually tends to be mostly based around self-expression. I’m simply commenting on how effective this package is at captivating the things typically noted as being compelling to men—signalling in this manner can draw attention because of the stereotypes, beauty standards and cultural dominance of the phenomenon.

Understanding Archetypes of Attractive Partners

If you think about it in a vacuum—how incredible does an assertive, confident and robustly sexual partner with a distinct personality and sense of style sound? Someone that, through ‘counter-culture’ signalling, has all at once associated themselves with many very attractive traits, alongside a veneer of ‘I’m not like the other girls’ that allows them to stand out from the pack. It should be no surprise that the archetype has taken over internet culture—it’s captivating and genuinely attractive. Sex certainly sells, but even more so when the wielder is able to communicate so much with simply their exterior presentation.

The point is not that goths in specific are the holy grail of attractiveness. We’re not recommending their presentation or focusing on them implicitly. The point is to show that success is simply a product of presentation—that close alignment with so many attractive personality traits can be a very, very helpful asset, even if you personally uphold none of the associated qualities.

We can replicate this in our own lives, and shortcut our own presentation by adding qualities with strong positive associations to the type of person we are seeking. Vain, materialistic men wear wealth on their wrists or other clothing, to attract women to whom that status signal means a great deal. The archetype of wealth, in that case, is being signalled as a call and response. We’re seeing this currently with ‘performative males’, a new trend of men shortcutting qualities like thoughtfulness and emotional depth by managing their presentation. I find it hard to recommend any kind of performativity, but the trend underlies something that works well—presenting yourself to allow people to infer positive qualities about you. We’d all just prefer that those qualities were genuine.

Your presentation can be more than simple jeans and a t-shirt. Align with things you care about, or wish to signal to those around you, and reap the benefits afforded to you by associations in media, culture and our romantic and sexual backgrounds. This is the basis of leveraging archetypes to your benefit, standing out in a way that is genuine to you and uses the reputation of a stereotype to communicate something about yourself.

Influence & Desire—the other part of being attractive

It cannot be argued that the sex work industry’s customer base is disproportionately dominated by men. For better or worse, something about that portion of the intersexual dynamic skews very heavily towards men. We consume more, pay for more, pursue more in the sexual realm.

Now, despite your personal feelings on the sex work industry, I suspect we can all mostly agree that a potential partner that knows exactly what buttons to push is very appealing. Whether you lean dominant or submissive, in every relationship there is the opportunity to excite your partner, to act in ways you know energizes and turns them on. To do so is not a favour or a chore, it is an expression of personal power.

When the man sweeps the woman off her feet at the end of every romcom, it is not to simply show that he is capable or to perform a rote action for the woman’s sake. He does so as an expression of his feelings, romantic or sexual, to his partner. That is the part we, male or female, find so captivating.

Your personal preferences can vary entirely across the spectrum. I am not recommending tactics or manoeuvres to deceive or manipulate. I am describing an approach to relationships – one that involves taking responsibility for your partner’s passion. One cannot be expected to muster enthusiasm for an empty room or blank canvas. It is precisely because of other people and the various allures that a partner can bring that we prefer our relationships to have more than one person.

Passion is Attractive

Enthusiasm IS attractive.

Confidence IS attractive.

Passion IS attractive.

There are times and places where the above qualities are appropriate, but in almost all cases, when we are looking to form REAL relationships and be at our most vulnerable, romantically or sexually, we want a partner who can demonstrate passion, confidence and enthusiasm.

It is very compelling to see your partner be assertive – to know they have the skills, the understanding and the interest to inflame your desire and to make you feel things you would unmistakeably not experience without them.

It is not a difficult skill. It simply requires effort.

We are scared of getting hurt. We are self-preservers first and foremost. It can be awful to think your effort was wasted on someone unwilling to return it.

Bravery is attractive.

To offer your love, your passion, and to become adept at inspiring those same qualities in your partner, even knowing it opens you up to vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt – that is a brave thing to do.

The best things in life are worth being brave for.

What Does Any Of That Mean?

If the idea of being assertive, proactive and emotionally robust seems daunting, that’s fair. Luckily, your target is likely to be your favourite person – your partner.

What do they like? How do they show and receive love? What turns them on?

The sex work industry hijacks this process by inciting lust. We turn to porn because it is endlessly performative and representative of our desires. We can find any specific kink or characteristic we desire to feel whatever we wanna feel—there is infinite variety in consumption. Our truest desires tend to spring to the surface through the media we consume. Power dynamics, relationship styles, attractive qualities, these things are mandatory to learn, and not just your own, but your partner’s also.

There are simple moments in a relationship where two people merely just find that they care for the other person. Your job is to notice them, and to wilfully and intentionally strive to recreate those patterns. Your partner likes something, and that something is likely something (a value, a quality, a behaviour) you’ve exhibited in the past or have the ability to do again. These things are where emotional intimacy and attraction come from. It’s paradoxically altruistic.

When it is time to be romantic, use gestures of love that your partner values, rather than your own. When it is time to be sexual, use your partner’s preference to inspire their desire in a way they will dream about years later.

Many say desire cannot be negotiated. That is false. Desire can be instigated and produced if the intent is there. Willingness on both sides is the real barrier. A lack of effort in a relationship will bleed into these sectors first. You can always tell when a partner takes little interest in your interest.

Conclusions

Relationships are often discussed as being 50-50. The burdens of performance are meant to be placed on both sides. I disagree, to an extent. We should avoid keeping score, but tirelessly work to beat our partner’s. The idea of 50-50 implies you have something left in the tank. I prefer 100-100.

I hope to have inspired some of you to renew your interest in your partners, and to inspire their own towards you.

This essay has attempted to prove two things – that archetypes and influence are invaluable for attraction and indispensable for relationships.

Develop and precisely understand your archetypes to attract someone.

Learn to incite desire—to inspire feelings and take responsibility for your partner’s emotions. That’s how you keep someone.