The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord – A Complete Guide to Choosing Your Relationship Rules

What is the relationship anarchy smorgasbord?

The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord (RAS) is a visual tool and a manner of thinking that outlines the number of different options available within a relationship being governed by relationship anarchy. It’s a set of boxes that contain constraints, boundaries, principles and options for two or more people to mutually agree on.

That probably doesn’t mean a whole lot right now, so let’s break it down. Relationship Anarchy (RA) is an attitude towards structuring interpersonal relationships, which we’ll define a bit more thoroughly just below. Rather than adhering to strict societal guidelines about how a relationship should operate or what constraints might govern you, RA allows explicit choice and freedom to determine your own boundaries with each other. The smorgasbord is simply a big list of things you can pick and choose from when making these decisions.

If you’ve ever been confused, surprised or annoyed by some of the rigid principles of relationships, especially ones that didn’t make sense or work well for you, a look at the smorgasbord of relationship anarchy and what it can offer your relationships might be helpful. need to understand what anarchy is and why it might be a positive thing.

What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship Anarchy (RA) is, as we mentioned, a way of thinking about your relationships. The key is understanding that a relationship isn’t a fixed object, rather instead a sum of its constituent parts. For example, some friendships involve talking every day, phone calls, photo updates and more. Other friends choose to only check in with each other once a month. Regardless how you feel about either of these dynamics, both friendships are equally valid and deserving of the label ‘platonic relationship’. The differences in how they play out in our lives come down to what works for you and the person you’re engaging in that relationship with.

You can extend this flexibility to every kind of relationship. Asexual people are still perfectly willing, capable and interested in romance, but they’ve exercised the personal freedom to remove sex from their relationships to some degree. This is how you can think about Relationship Anarchy—the option to pick and choose a dynamic that suits the people involved.

Many people assume that just because it’s normal for a friendship/work colleague/romantic relationship to have certain attributes or components (constant contact, sex, emotional intimacy, certain shared values, etc etc), they need to conform to every part of those stereotypes. This is the attitude that RA exists to work against. It’s not supposed to be particularly radical, but just a way of verbalising that it’s okay to make your relationships personalised and encompassing of your own needs, values and preferences.

As another example, consider two monogamous people that are dating. Normally it would be considered cheating for one or both of them to be flirting or talking to someone outside the context of their relationship. But, they decide together that the feeling of external attention is something that brings value to both of them and the context of the relationship, and so they decide that they’re allowed to go on dating apps just to talk with other people, for their enjoyment. Whether or not this is a good idea or ‘healthy’ for the relationship isn’t the point, rather that RA gives them the freedom to choose these principles inside a committed monogamous relationship without it needing to fit into another explicit category, like non-monogamy or an open relationship.

Everything is up for grabs—your label, your dynamic, your values, your shared activities and time spent together. RA gives you the permission to pick and choose what suits you.

The smorgasbord and its options

To understand what I’m talking about, take a look at this image of a version of the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord.

As you can see, there are a bunch of dynamics and principles outlined here. These are a significant number of the ways you can make up the constituent parts of a relationship. The point of Relationship Anarchy and the smorgasbord at large is in understanding that these things are all choices that you get to make with the people you’re in a relationship with.

To participate in relationship anarchy, all you have to do is understand that each of your relationships are open to adjustment and individual choice. Your friendships can involve things that might not be traditional, and your romantic relationships don’t have to play by the rules.

It’s called a smorgasbord because it’s like the namesake kind of restaurant. You can pick and choose from the bits that suit you, and take as much or as little as you want. Any dishes you don’t like, you get to reject like a five year old and say they taste yucky. By looking at relationships this way, we get to understand that we have freedom to choose what things we like and don’t like, and structure our relationships in a way that gives us more of what we want and less of what we don’t.

Additionally, if there’s stuff in the smorgasbord that doesn’t make sense or that you don’t care about, ignore it. You don’t have to give a shit. That’s part of your freedom.

Interpreting the Smorgasbord

To make sense of this vast array of choices, one needs to understand their own desires, boundaries, and values. It’s essential to approach the smorgasbord with an open mind, free from societal pressures and expectations. Remember, it’s about what feels right for you, not what others think should be right for you.

Many people that want to adjust the boundaries in their relationships are queer or engage in some kind of non-monogamy. That doesn’t have to be the case. Even if you’re just looking to draw some lines in your friendships, or create a more natural fit for your monogamous romance, the most important thing is to understand all the different components that you have a choice in.

I cannot emphasise enough just how much choice you’re offered when you think about your relationships in this way. Think of any conflict or portion of a relationship you’ve disliked in the past. Chances are there’s an option within the smorgasbord that would have improved that negative aspect.

Get creative. Push some boundaries. Experiment with things you like and dislike. As long as you’re aware of what you’re doing, reflecting on your choices and not hurting anyone, the more you get to learn, the better.

Making choices for your relationships

When going about determining boundaries and choices under the guise of relationship anarchy, there are a couple notes to consider. Think of this as a flowchart of things you want to do every so often, like a service to your car that keeps it topped up and running smooth.

1. Self-Reflection: Understand what you want out of your relationships. This involves acknowledging and respecting your feelings and desires. If you’re not being genuine regarding the options in the smorgasbord with both yourself and the people involved, there’s no point. Do the work to figure out how these options make you feel and why.
2. Open Communication: Discuss your feelings, boundaries, and desires with potential or existing partners. This ensures everyone is on the same page. It should go without saying, but picking from the smorgasbord together is RA. Doing it by yourself is usually a violation of boundaries.
3. Regular Check-ins: Relationships evolve. Regularly check in with yourself and your partners to ensure the relationship remains healthy and fulfilling. Once you’ve picked once, you can always pick again or change your mind—and more importantly, so can the other person.
4. Respect and Consent: Always ensure that all relationships are consensual and that boundaries are respected. Again, this should go without saying.

For every component on the smorgasbord, run through this flowchart. Consult your partner. See if you can come to a healthy conclusion full of personal choice and compromise. Once you’ve built the habit, it’s easy to keep up regular communication. Starting can be the tough part. But once you’re there, you start building the attitude; seeing every part of your relationships as being intentional—this is what is known as doing the work. You don’t just stumble into a perfect dynamic with the people you care about, you have to create it.